The Struggle is Real

Have you ever prayed for something and nothing seems like it ever changes? You can't shake it. You plead for your struggle to move from you. To somehow make yourself be stronger than the struggle.
I look at myself in the mirror and say you know better than this. You don't give in to this. You shouldn't struggle!

Why is it as Christians we find it necessary to act like somehow we aren't human anymore. That when hard things happen we aren't suppose to react. That we aren't suppose to feel. That we aren't Christian enough if we do. The longer I walk with Jesus I see believers make little room for the Grace of God in their life. They don't do church they forget what that really looks like.

  For a season I forgot what the Grace of God means to me. That there is absolutely nothing I can do to get my way through a struggle. That when I felt like I should be capable of handling the trial that was coming my way. That in the tragic moments the ones that shook my faith and tore me up from the ground up. I questioned every part of my walk and if I was stupid to believe in this God. See I'm not afraid to tell you that anymore. I am not afraid to share that the devil tried to take me out. In the moments that I would walk into a church and panic. It would take everything I had to walk in and sit down. Me a Pastor's wife. A worship leader. A woman of God for over 14 years. How in the world would someone like me lose my footing. My heart became so hard towards church and life with other believers. I couldn't breathe. Honestly at times I still can't breathe. If I am completely transparent I am still trying to regain my footing.

What happened? Why? I chose to believe the lie from the pit of hell and allowed it to jack up my heart. Jack up my belief system. That a tragic shouldn't of happened situation in ministry took me out. Made me flee and I chose to run to a cave and lick my wounds. I beat up on myself for not being able to overcome. Where is your faith I would say to myself. I would try to will myself to worship something that is so much a part of my being and would just flow from me but I couldn't anymore. I literally felt my heart turn to ice.

God is so faithful. He wasn't and isn't detoured of His captivating passionate overwhelming love for me. I can pin point a few times in this season where I could feel Him remind me He very much loves me no matter the condition of my heart. That he grieved with me the things that believers say to one another, the damage that we cause to each other. I remember times where all I could do was just be angry. He was still there! He is still on the throne and my struggle so real and ugly doesn't shake Him. He gently shows me how to heal. How to make room in my heart for the local church again. He even shows me a future with ministry something that I am terrified of ever doing again. He can move the mountains and silence raging storms. He overthrows the darkness and shines light so I can find my footing again.

The struggle is real and as I walked this season with what seemed like a full on war to my health to my family to our ministry, He shows me to be the believer that roots herself in Grace. For when we are rooted in Grace supernatural, mind blowing, life changing truth can take root.

For when I am weak than I am strong!