Love Anyway

The truth is people hurt people. The damage can be overwhelming, traumatic and unrelenting.
The truth is I have hurt people with my words, behavior, lack of compassion, judgement etc.

What do you do with all that hurt? How do you recover from wounds that are deep that cause scars that your afraid to show to the world? How do you reconcile the hurts inflicted by ourselves?

In the word of God it is summed up really simply. Love God and Love People.

How the heck do you love people is the one I struggle with the most. Especially, when wounds are caused, damage is deep and the accuser of our faith won't relent on keeping you in the barrenness of the wound.

I am sure we all can think of a time when our heart was broken over a hurt that went deep. I can recall many and walked a situation about 7 months ago where I have never seen such ugly hurts before. I walked through that situation thinking, "Ok, I am going to pick up and move on and not let the wounds settle in my spirit and make me angry."

Turns out that I am angry! That the wounds are gapping and my heart is broken over the situation.
I tend to be a person who doesn't give time to feel anything about issues in life. I hear it, I feel the surface of it and than I force way down deep where scars fester and can cause a take over.

I am trying to be different with my hurts. I am trying to expose my feelings so that I can grow from the hurt rather than let it take up residency in my life.

The question I keep coming back to is, How do I Love People? How did Jesus love even when he was betrayed, wounded deeply and accused unjustly. How did Jesus love even the accusers or better yet us sinners.

He loved because He knew WHO His father was and knew who He was in the midst of each situation. He knew the DNA of Love and how to shake the what isn't Love and turn away wrath with gentleness. Speaking love even in the unjust.

Its becoming more and more evident that in the hard stuff of life, the ugly scars, the damage, the unrelenting hurts that if I am connected to Who My Creator says I am and I love out of the grace and power He gives me, love truly can conquer all.

Its not easy, it's almost always hard to let Love Win. I have to be willing to dig into the trenches of my life to work through the scars to really be able to move on in growth and a greater love for others.

In the end….

The bigger truth is my heart belongs to a God. He loves to cover a multitude with His grace and mercy and shower me with the ability to forgive.

Working that truth from my head to my heart, so forgiveness takes over the damage.                        Being transparent enough to say it's s freaking process and not easy. In fact it's very painful and it's ok to be broken in it.

Love Wins if we want it too!

The Art of Balancing

I am not sure why it is so easy to forget the very order God creates for us to have the most effective life here on earth. I find myself so often putting one before the other and it throws my whole balance off. In the past two years I have learned so much about the order in which God intends for me to live. I never really use to put much thought into the order but rather if I got it all done. See I was at the ending before I ever walked the beginning. 

I am going to bold when I write today to challenge some who maybe never thought about these concepts. 

I have always been a working wife and mother. God's word talks about putting our hands to the plow and I am the first to jump in with both feet. I put the precept in my heart and run the race until I can run anymore. If you go back all the way to the beginning when the Lord demonstrates how he wants us to rule our domain it's never with chaos and pure exhaustion but rather peace and a steady pace. 

The first part the Lord really worked on with me was making my relationship with Him my first fruits. See He teaches us about giving our first fruits of our wages but I believe He is also speaking to us about our relationship with Him. When I stopped fitting him into my ever so long list of things to do but rather made him my very first manna of the day, my relationship took on new growth. See He had my undivided attention where I could hear His voice and soak in his word before the start of every new day. 

Every time I compromise this percept in my day everything becomes a list of things to do rather than my domain He has given me to reign. The next thing He worked on with me is my relationship with my husband. When you have children it becomes so easy to place your marriage on the back burner and put all your children's needs first. After all the basic needs of a child can be quite demanding. However if were to look at how we structure our home and teach our children that first we love the Lord and second they see a love between parents that examplifies the very order God has called us to. It creates such a peace in our children and one they learn they can depend on. 

Eugene and I have always been busy. So busy at times it was as if we were two strangers living in the same house. We forgot to communicate anything that related to our growth of our marriage but rather focused on maintaining the crazy structure we had built. I could never understand why I felt so distant but I chalked it up to  having kids, work, ministry and so on. The Lord challenged me to look into his word about what my role as a wife was. I realized that I was failing miserably. Don't get me wrong all the things we were doing were great things in themselves however if they came at the cost of not furthering our marriage they longer were the effective things the Lord wanted from us. 

We began to put more time into us and less time into the outside so we can stand firm together. I believe this is the key to many young marriages that are struggling. We never want to say that we are not where we started or that we need to be closer. It's as if we expect the Love tank we poured into our marriage prior to children and such is suppose to sustain us for years to come. I would challenge you to not let the enemy rob you and place you in a pit of believing that this is all there is to your marriage. As wise woman of God once told me that the needs of my husband have to remain before my children's or the enemy has gained ground to prowl in our home. When Eugene and I let everything else go in our life that we found importance in and brought it right back to the order in which God created. We began to go to new heights in our marriage and our parenting with our children. Hear me when I say we are a work in progress and growth remains as our motto.

The last thing the Lord really worked through me was after all the above things came ministry. Not before my personal relationship with God and really how could I ever minister on empty. Not before my marriage and not before my children. 

Why is it so easy to get that balance off? I can catch myself often saying "Its for the sake of the Kingdom, so it has to be good?" How very off balance this is and why we see leaders burnt out marriages torn. This concept was incredibly hard for me. I'm a doer. God I want to do for your Kingdom. I want to make my life count! I remember when he spoke clearly to both Eugene and I and said not at the cost of the gift of your marriage and children.

When you read the word it says that when two are married they become One Flesh. I never really ever thought of that as a like a literal concept. Honestly though it is VERY LITERAL. You are one flesh. What we feed into our marriage and our children will be a direct outpour to our ministry here on earth. We aren't identified as pastor this or that. No we are identified by Christ in us! He made us One Flesh to love above all else to Love God and Love others. 

Eugene has always been better at this than me. I mean he's kinda a saint. When I finally got ahold of this concept what I did become life changing. Not what I do do do but how I live live live. If I'm leading worship during our family devotions this is just as important as if I am leading it for a public setting. In fact I think its more important! 

Ministry becomes so much more freeing when I removed the idealisms of what it was supposed to be. Instead I said God take who you have created me to be sown together with my husband and sowing the Kingdom of God in our home. From the outpour of that comes everything else. The word says WHATEVER you do, DO everything giving thanks to Jesus. Forever we said God what is your will what is your will where are we to be. This scripture become a life verse for us Col 3:17 that whatever we do we do unto the Lord. Everything we do is Ministry. 

I hope that someone finds this freeing and challenges your thinking. I believe we will see healthier churches and leaders when we go back to  the basics and forget all the other stuff we think we have to be or do. 

MRI Humor

So I am no amateur to having an MRI. I dread them every time and talk myself off the cliff when in the small confined space hoping I don't just freak out and show all my crazy to the technicians.

I just had another MRI this week and I had some interesting things happen in the tube this time. Several times I got small electric shocks through my hands and at points it felt like my face was pulling to one side. I could only imagine what that looked like. I probably would have laughed at myself.
Don't worry I checked into it and sometimes these responses happen and not super critical.

Before I went in for this MRI, I was feeling discouraged. I was having new symptoms and having tough weeks with migraines that wouldn't relent. I honestly was running dry on my hope that anything would be positive about this test result.

When I got the call and they told me the tumor had shrank and I had to ask them to tell me again. It's as if I was so caught up in the nothing is gonna change that I couldn't hear the good news. The one thing I am learning about this battle is hope can't come from myself. I can't muster it but I can cultivate it.

I can meditate on the goodness of God and the promises He gives to His children and it restores my hope. NO matter what trys to steal my joy and hope if I rest in His confidence that He will see me through no matter what the earthly circumstance looks like, I will be renewed in the waiting.

I feel like this entire circumstance has been one long waiting room that sometimes meets with trials that I don't want to fight. The Bible is clear our fight is not against flesh and blood and I can't fight out of my own strength. The minute I do I start to feel drained and hopeless. I was reading a blog of a young mother who was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Cancer and how she choose joy over sorrow. I am telling you something changes in the atmosphere when I take away the doubt and choose joy and contend for hope that brings perseverance. I really never understood that as real as I am understanding it now.

God is faithful to bring me to deeper relationship when I hand over all my fears and walk with no sight ahead:)

I appreciate all the prayers and support!

It Doesn't Fit Me

It doesn't fit me is all I could keep thinking about when I received the news that the tumor was growing and I would have to make some pretty big changes in my life. Somewhere deep in me I knew that this just doesn't fit me.

Why God? Why do I need to walk this path? Why something like this? I remember saying to God I have 3 kids who need me! Eugene needs me! While I through this huge pitty party for several months I couldn't accurately or actively hear what came welling out of me when I first heard the news.

It was like a light bulb went off and I heard the Lord say, It Doesn't Fit You! Now start believing that!
What I didn't put together in the very beginning was that the Lord gave me a word that would change my mindset. That would free me from all the questions and doubt. That would help me live my life in the midst of such a circumstance.

It Doesn't Fit Me! I began to walk in that. As I sat in my devotional times I would start all my praying about the situation with the proclamation that this in fact Doesn't Fit Me and I will not conform to it!
I didn't have to succumb to anger or despair but in fact claim that my wholeness and healing was already paid for on the cross! He took what started in the garden and gave us back the power to call things back to order.

Am I 100% healed physically not by sight but I'm believing and I am trusting God to bring it to order.
My circumstance doesn't have to change for the affirmations of God to be true! His word remains the same in every circumstance and trial. Weather I see the healing today or in the future how I trust and how I move forward in my faith is what leaves on mark here on earth. Its what my kids will remember!
Sometimes our healing doesn't come till our journey home and I have chosen to rest in the unknowing of when and LIVE it out here on earth till my day to go home is called.

I believe this takes all power away from our accuser and keeps me wrapped in the power of God's mercy and grace.

It's there true rest remains.

Beauty in the Brokenness

I have an addiction! I love broken things!

Some of you know that I take old tossed out furniture and restore it to new life and new beginnings.
There is so much beauty in broken tossed out things in our life. We are so quick to just throw something out because our use for it is no longer evident and determine its broken beyond repair.

What is brokenness, you might ask?

The dictionary describes Brokenness as weakened and infirm.

When I think about my life, my body, my heart, my journey with Christ. Brokenness is like a summary of many parts of this life I have walked. I think I have spent so much time being ashamed of the brokenness rather than looking for the beauty in the brokenness.

I think of the woman in the bible with the Alabaster oil, a very expensive perfume that she poured out on Jesus because he was the only one who ever valued her beyond her brokenness. This act of faith was a depiction of her life. She was pouring out her life before Jesus in the midst of all her brokenness. She was not whole and complete faithful and pure and yet Jesus accepted her gift. He accepted her brokenness. In fact He told everyone that she would be remembered forever for her great act.
 (Matthew 26:7-13)

Sometimes what we have to give God is nothing short of broken but He honors the heart, He honors our small acts of obedience, He honors us even in our brokenness. He sees beauty where we see filth.

The day that I said yes to Jesus, He said Yes to me and together we are in this journey where he is not afraid of my brokenness but yet walks with me and restores me back to His perfect image.

As I think of my current circumstance, where my body is not wanting to be whole and complete. In fact is is weakened and infirm but I have a God that takes brokenness and makes beautiful things from it. Just as the woman who poured out her most valued possession on Jesus, I pour out my most valuable possession, my life.

My prayer has been Lord I am a daughter of the King, whole and balminess before you because of your greatest gift you gave; a broken body that bleed for all the brokenness in the world. Take my offering, my life and use it to bring beauty to the brokenness. Use my brokenness as a testimony of your glory. Take my life and make it count for something.

The Day My Earth Shook

I remember it really well! I had made an appointment with the doctor to follow up on my chronic issue of Migraines that were worsening with time. The doctor sent me for rounds of test and than called me to an appointment where they told me my life was changing. "You have a brain tumor", the doctor said to me. I stared blankly at the floor trying to process the words. The doctor said again "Mrs. Small, the spot is now a growth and is a

Pituitary Brain Tumor."

My Earth Shook!

See I had been treated for a small spot on my brain back when my third child was born and had a minor stroke. At that time they believed it was just a hormonal issue that was caused from medication and complications of my pregnancy. I was fine for 2 years with no issues and no symptoms. Than the migraines came like a wave. The spot was in fact a tumor and it was growing with rapid force. The type of tumor is hormonal based and hereditary. My grandmother had one and her mother had one. They believe that I have had this since a child but didn't have problems till my body went through so many changes in my child bearing years. A flood of information came at me along with different treatment plans and medications etc etc....

For anyone who knows me, I tend to deal with things right as they come. This issue I choose to hide to stay silent and to carry the burden myself. I didn't want to be labeled "sick"; I didn't want people to freak out. I just really went numb. I was afraid of what this meant as a Christian. Who would be a mother to my kids. My husband would be widowed at such a young age. This circumstance really shook me to the core. I have weathered many storms in my walk with Christ and He has strengthened me through each trial and test but this I just honestly froze in fear. 

I know shocking! A Pastor's Wife an active leader in ministry did what she preached to everyone else not to do. I told God that I didn't trust Him with this circumstance and tried to process all by myself.

See what I have realized in this circumstance, is that I had a major crack in my foundation/my belief system. I believed the lie that I must have done something that caused me to be sick. That God must be taken something out on me. 

I choose to buy into all my insecurities rather than rest on the confidence I can go to the bank with in my identity in Christ. 

Sick or not it doesn't change who God says I am! Sick or not it doesn't change what God does for me! Sick or not it doesn't change the DNA of who God says He is!

So this week I went public with what has been going on. For some of you its not a big deal but for me it was a way to break the silence and repair the cracks in my foundation/my belief system. By telling my story I hope you find inspiration in your circumstances that drives you to a deeper place with God. I know I need that in my life and if my journey can speak into someone else's life I am happy to share!