The Day My Earth Shook

I remember it really well! I had made an appointment with the doctor to follow up on my chronic issue of Migraines that were worsening with time. The doctor sent me for rounds of test and than called me to an appointment where they told me my life was changing. "You have a brain tumor", the doctor said to me. I stared blankly at the floor trying to process the words. The doctor said again "Mrs. Small, the spot is now a growth and is a

Pituitary Brain Tumor."

My Earth Shook!

See I had been treated for a small spot on my brain back when my third child was born and had a minor stroke. At that time they believed it was just a hormonal issue that was caused from medication and complications of my pregnancy. I was fine for 2 years with no issues and no symptoms. Than the migraines came like a wave. The spot was in fact a tumor and it was growing with rapid force. The type of tumor is hormonal based and hereditary. My grandmother had one and her mother had one. They believe that I have had this since a child but didn't have problems till my body went through so many changes in my child bearing years. A flood of information came at me along with different treatment plans and medications etc etc....

For anyone who knows me, I tend to deal with things right as they come. This issue I choose to hide to stay silent and to carry the burden myself. I didn't want to be labeled "sick"; I didn't want people to freak out. I just really went numb. I was afraid of what this meant as a Christian. Who would be a mother to my kids. My husband would be widowed at such a young age. This circumstance really shook me to the core. I have weathered many storms in my walk with Christ and He has strengthened me through each trial and test but this I just honestly froze in fear. 

I know shocking! A Pastor's Wife an active leader in ministry did what she preached to everyone else not to do. I told God that I didn't trust Him with this circumstance and tried to process all by myself.

See what I have realized in this circumstance, is that I had a major crack in my foundation/my belief system. I believed the lie that I must have done something that caused me to be sick. That God must be taken something out on me. 

I choose to buy into all my insecurities rather than rest on the confidence I can go to the bank with in my identity in Christ. 

Sick or not it doesn't change who God says I am! Sick or not it doesn't change what God does for me! Sick or not it doesn't change the DNA of who God says He is!

So this week I went public with what has been going on. For some of you its not a big deal but for me it was a way to break the silence and repair the cracks in my foundation/my belief system. By telling my story I hope you find inspiration in your circumstances that drives you to a deeper place with God. I know I need that in my life and if my journey can speak into someone else's life I am happy to share!