The Struggle is Real

Have you ever prayed for something and nothing seems like it ever changes? You can't shake it. You plead for your struggle to move from you. To somehow make yourself be stronger than the struggle.
I look at myself in the mirror and say you know better than this. You don't give in to this. You shouldn't struggle!

Why is it as Christians we find it necessary to act like somehow we aren't human anymore. That when hard things happen we aren't suppose to react. That we aren't suppose to feel. That we aren't Christian enough if we do. The longer I walk with Jesus I see believers make little room for the Grace of God in their life. They don't do church they forget what that really looks like.

  For a season I forgot what the Grace of God means to me. That there is absolutely nothing I can do to get my way through a struggle. That when I felt like I should be capable of handling the trial that was coming my way. That in the tragic moments the ones that shook my faith and tore me up from the ground up. I questioned every part of my walk and if I was stupid to believe in this God. See I'm not afraid to tell you that anymore. I am not afraid to share that the devil tried to take me out. In the moments that I would walk into a church and panic. It would take everything I had to walk in and sit down. Me a Pastor's wife. A worship leader. A woman of God for over 14 years. How in the world would someone like me lose my footing. My heart became so hard towards church and life with other believers. I couldn't breathe. Honestly at times I still can't breathe. If I am completely transparent I am still trying to regain my footing.

What happened? Why? I chose to believe the lie from the pit of hell and allowed it to jack up my heart. Jack up my belief system. That a tragic shouldn't of happened situation in ministry took me out. Made me flee and I chose to run to a cave and lick my wounds. I beat up on myself for not being able to overcome. Where is your faith I would say to myself. I would try to will myself to worship something that is so much a part of my being and would just flow from me but I couldn't anymore. I literally felt my heart turn to ice.

God is so faithful. He wasn't and isn't detoured of His captivating passionate overwhelming love for me. I can pin point a few times in this season where I could feel Him remind me He very much loves me no matter the condition of my heart. That he grieved with me the things that believers say to one another, the damage that we cause to each other. I remember times where all I could do was just be angry. He was still there! He is still on the throne and my struggle so real and ugly doesn't shake Him. He gently shows me how to heal. How to make room in my heart for the local church again. He even shows me a future with ministry something that I am terrified of ever doing again. He can move the mountains and silence raging storms. He overthrows the darkness and shines light so I can find my footing again.

The struggle is real and as I walked this season with what seemed like a full on war to my health to my family to our ministry, He shows me to be the believer that roots herself in Grace. For when we are rooted in Grace supernatural, mind blowing, life changing truth can take root.

For when I am weak than I am strong!

Doing Hard Things Well

John 5:20 “For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself does; and He will show Him greater works than these, that you may marvel.”

Part of doing hard things well, isn’t just the change it causes in us but shows light to those around us. How we work through the hard stuff brings glory to God. 

I can think of many times when I walk through what feels like torture and I think about the father getting glory out of it. Honestly, my first reaction is REALLY!!! Is this necessary! Part of being able to get away from the Why me mentality and looking at the mountain and saying Greater things are ahead over this mountain and this mountain is going to teach me something for that greater part of my journey. 

God gets more glory out of us being a success and conquering the mountains in front of us. The light shines brighter in the darkness when you lean on the true light to guide you out. When we live our life full of trust for the loving kindness of God and that He will work all things together for our Good, it takes what was meant to destroy us and springs up a well of courage, joy, and faithfulness to see us victorious. 

I know in my own walk with Christ I have lived so idle in moments where God was waiting for me to Run. Taking seriously what God has purposed us for causes Heaven to Invade earth. We don’t just live to see heaven someday and meet our maker by the skin of our teeth. No he gave His son to conquer the power of death in our lives. He sent Him to spring up a abundant life in us for the taking. Its not just about going to church and sitting hearing but encountering the power that Jesus came to fulfill in our lives. The way it was meant to be. Heaven is all around us and its up to us to walk in it. To work through the death in our life to see the New Life spring up. 

We can sit and wallow in all the brokenness that lays in our life or around us or we can climb out of the pits and get a different perspective. When the spirit of God tells us to move, we move. Don’t wait for another moment the equipping, the grace to move you out is there for the taking.

Understanding Pain

James 1:2-4

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

Isn't it the truth that in the test the true colors of my foundation show. I'm always amazed the cracks I find. Every test I want to jump out of and run from because it kills my flesh. Turning the carnal areas of my life and molding them to the character of God.

I won't prematurely jump out of a test, for fear I will get burnt up in the fire instead I am going to welcome the purification process so that the cracks on my foundation grow smaller and smaller. I will trust the Heavenly Father to hold me and care for me during the tests so that it does its work in me. 

Lord can I just say, must I really walk these tests? If I must than please care for me kindly and expose the cracks that need to be filled with your goodness and character.

Pain is a part of our human life. The bible says it rains on the just and the unjust (Matthew 5:45). James calls us to consider it all joy when we meet trials of various kinds. In this you produce a steadfastness rooted into a mature faith. 

Pain has a voice. Our immediate reaction to pain in our lives is to make it stop. Figure it out how to make it stop. Change the course so that it doesn’t hurt so much. The lie we believe is that we can control our pain. Sometimes our pain isn’t a fruit of something we have done but something that was inflicted on us. 

The good news is we weren’t designed to just know how to deal with pain.
That is why we need a savior. There is so much judgement on oneself in how you deal with pain or why you can’t shake it. Losing the ability to get out of a pit. Pain is not in Heaven and it wasn't in our human ecosystem originally. The only way to deal with pain and release it is to allow the Holy Spirit to work through you in the midst of the trial helping you to count it joy, producing perseverance and ultimately building a confidence to live out of that pit.

Pain is a pit. That emotion is like a prison. Allowing myself to be angry will motivate me to get out of the pit rather than make a home there. If doubt remains in me that I have to stay just learning how to muscle through this thing called pain than I’m truly not free from the pit.

 Jesus didn’t come to just help us muscle but to free us from pit. To live a life outside of the prison of oneself or others inflictions on us. He came to help produce in us the confidence that we can make it out and we can live victorious.

Love Anyway

The truth is people hurt people. The damage can be overwhelming, traumatic and unrelenting.
The truth is I have hurt people with my words, behavior, lack of compassion, judgement etc.

What do you do with all that hurt? How do you recover from wounds that are deep that cause scars that your afraid to show to the world? How do you reconcile the hurts inflicted by ourselves?

In the word of God it is summed up really simply. Love God and Love People.

How the heck do you love people is the one I struggle with the most. Especially, when wounds are caused, damage is deep and the accuser of our faith won't relent on keeping you in the barrenness of the wound.

I am sure we all can think of a time when our heart was broken over a hurt that went deep. I can recall many and walked a situation about 7 months ago where I have never seen such ugly hurts before. I walked through that situation thinking, "Ok, I am going to pick up and move on and not let the wounds settle in my spirit and make me angry."

Turns out that I am angry! That the wounds are gapping and my heart is broken over the situation.
I tend to be a person who doesn't give time to feel anything about issues in life. I hear it, I feel the surface of it and than I force way down deep where scars fester and can cause a take over.

I am trying to be different with my hurts. I am trying to expose my feelings so that I can grow from the hurt rather than let it take up residency in my life.

The question I keep coming back to is, How do I Love People? How did Jesus love even when he was betrayed, wounded deeply and accused unjustly. How did Jesus love even the accusers or better yet us sinners.

He loved because He knew WHO His father was and knew who He was in the midst of each situation. He knew the DNA of Love and how to shake the what isn't Love and turn away wrath with gentleness. Speaking love even in the unjust.

Its becoming more and more evident that in the hard stuff of life, the ugly scars, the damage, the unrelenting hurts that if I am connected to Who My Creator says I am and I love out of the grace and power He gives me, love truly can conquer all.

Its not easy, it's almost always hard to let Love Win. I have to be willing to dig into the trenches of my life to work through the scars to really be able to move on in growth and a greater love for others.

In the end….

The bigger truth is my heart belongs to a God. He loves to cover a multitude with His grace and mercy and shower me with the ability to forgive.

Working that truth from my head to my heart, so forgiveness takes over the damage.                        Being transparent enough to say it's s freaking process and not easy. In fact it's very painful and it's ok to be broken in it.

Love Wins if we want it too!

The Art of Balancing

I am not sure why it is so easy to forget the very order God creates for us to have the most effective life here on earth. I find myself so often putting one before the other and it throws my whole balance off. In the past two years I have learned so much about the order in which God intends for me to live. I never really use to put much thought into the order but rather if I got it all done. See I was at the ending before I ever walked the beginning. 

I am going to bold when I write today to challenge some who maybe never thought about these concepts. 

I have always been a working wife and mother. God's word talks about putting our hands to the plow and I am the first to jump in with both feet. I put the precept in my heart and run the race until I can run anymore. If you go back all the way to the beginning when the Lord demonstrates how he wants us to rule our domain it's never with chaos and pure exhaustion but rather peace and a steady pace. 

The first part the Lord really worked on with me was making my relationship with Him my first fruits. See He teaches us about giving our first fruits of our wages but I believe He is also speaking to us about our relationship with Him. When I stopped fitting him into my ever so long list of things to do but rather made him my very first manna of the day, my relationship took on new growth. See He had my undivided attention where I could hear His voice and soak in his word before the start of every new day. 

Every time I compromise this percept in my day everything becomes a list of things to do rather than my domain He has given me to reign. The next thing He worked on with me is my relationship with my husband. When you have children it becomes so easy to place your marriage on the back burner and put all your children's needs first. After all the basic needs of a child can be quite demanding. However if were to look at how we structure our home and teach our children that first we love the Lord and second they see a love between parents that examplifies the very order God has called us to. It creates such a peace in our children and one they learn they can depend on. 

Eugene and I have always been busy. So busy at times it was as if we were two strangers living in the same house. We forgot to communicate anything that related to our growth of our marriage but rather focused on maintaining the crazy structure we had built. I could never understand why I felt so distant but I chalked it up to  having kids, work, ministry and so on. The Lord challenged me to look into his word about what my role as a wife was. I realized that I was failing miserably. Don't get me wrong all the things we were doing were great things in themselves however if they came at the cost of not furthering our marriage they longer were the effective things the Lord wanted from us. 

We began to put more time into us and less time into the outside so we can stand firm together. I believe this is the key to many young marriages that are struggling. We never want to say that we are not where we started or that we need to be closer. It's as if we expect the Love tank we poured into our marriage prior to children and such is suppose to sustain us for years to come. I would challenge you to not let the enemy rob you and place you in a pit of believing that this is all there is to your marriage. As wise woman of God once told me that the needs of my husband have to remain before my children's or the enemy has gained ground to prowl in our home. When Eugene and I let everything else go in our life that we found importance in and brought it right back to the order in which God created. We began to go to new heights in our marriage and our parenting with our children. Hear me when I say we are a work in progress and growth remains as our motto.

The last thing the Lord really worked through me was after all the above things came ministry. Not before my personal relationship with God and really how could I ever minister on empty. Not before my marriage and not before my children. 

Why is it so easy to get that balance off? I can catch myself often saying "Its for the sake of the Kingdom, so it has to be good?" How very off balance this is and why we see leaders burnt out marriages torn. This concept was incredibly hard for me. I'm a doer. God I want to do for your Kingdom. I want to make my life count! I remember when he spoke clearly to both Eugene and I and said not at the cost of the gift of your marriage and children.

When you read the word it says that when two are married they become One Flesh. I never really ever thought of that as a like a literal concept. Honestly though it is VERY LITERAL. You are one flesh. What we feed into our marriage and our children will be a direct outpour to our ministry here on earth. We aren't identified as pastor this or that. No we are identified by Christ in us! He made us One Flesh to love above all else to Love God and Love others. 

Eugene has always been better at this than me. I mean he's kinda a saint. When I finally got ahold of this concept what I did become life changing. Not what I do do do but how I live live live. If I'm leading worship during our family devotions this is just as important as if I am leading it for a public setting. In fact I think its more important! 

Ministry becomes so much more freeing when I removed the idealisms of what it was supposed to be. Instead I said God take who you have created me to be sown together with my husband and sowing the Kingdom of God in our home. From the outpour of that comes everything else. The word says WHATEVER you do, DO everything giving thanks to Jesus. Forever we said God what is your will what is your will where are we to be. This scripture become a life verse for us Col 3:17 that whatever we do we do unto the Lord. Everything we do is Ministry. 

I hope that someone finds this freeing and challenges your thinking. I believe we will see healthier churches and leaders when we go back to  the basics and forget all the other stuff we think we have to be or do. 

MRI Humor

So I am no amateur to having an MRI. I dread them every time and talk myself off the cliff when in the small confined space hoping I don't just freak out and show all my crazy to the technicians.

I just had another MRI this week and I had some interesting things happen in the tube this time. Several times I got small electric shocks through my hands and at points it felt like my face was pulling to one side. I could only imagine what that looked like. I probably would have laughed at myself.
Don't worry I checked into it and sometimes these responses happen and not super critical.

Before I went in for this MRI, I was feeling discouraged. I was having new symptoms and having tough weeks with migraines that wouldn't relent. I honestly was running dry on my hope that anything would be positive about this test result.

When I got the call and they told me the tumor had shrank and I had to ask them to tell me again. It's as if I was so caught up in the nothing is gonna change that I couldn't hear the good news. The one thing I am learning about this battle is hope can't come from myself. I can't muster it but I can cultivate it.

I can meditate on the goodness of God and the promises He gives to His children and it restores my hope. NO matter what trys to steal my joy and hope if I rest in His confidence that He will see me through no matter what the earthly circumstance looks like, I will be renewed in the waiting.

I feel like this entire circumstance has been one long waiting room that sometimes meets with trials that I don't want to fight. The Bible is clear our fight is not against flesh and blood and I can't fight out of my own strength. The minute I do I start to feel drained and hopeless. I was reading a blog of a young mother who was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Cancer and how she choose joy over sorrow. I am telling you something changes in the atmosphere when I take away the doubt and choose joy and contend for hope that brings perseverance. I really never understood that as real as I am understanding it now.

God is faithful to bring me to deeper relationship when I hand over all my fears and walk with no sight ahead:)

I appreciate all the prayers and support!

It Doesn't Fit Me

It doesn't fit me is all I could keep thinking about when I received the news that the tumor was growing and I would have to make some pretty big changes in my life. Somewhere deep in me I knew that this just doesn't fit me.

Why God? Why do I need to walk this path? Why something like this? I remember saying to God I have 3 kids who need me! Eugene needs me! While I through this huge pitty party for several months I couldn't accurately or actively hear what came welling out of me when I first heard the news.

It was like a light bulb went off and I heard the Lord say, It Doesn't Fit You! Now start believing that!
What I didn't put together in the very beginning was that the Lord gave me a word that would change my mindset. That would free me from all the questions and doubt. That would help me live my life in the midst of such a circumstance.

It Doesn't Fit Me! I began to walk in that. As I sat in my devotional times I would start all my praying about the situation with the proclamation that this in fact Doesn't Fit Me and I will not conform to it!
I didn't have to succumb to anger or despair but in fact claim that my wholeness and healing was already paid for on the cross! He took what started in the garden and gave us back the power to call things back to order.

Am I 100% healed physically not by sight but I'm believing and I am trusting God to bring it to order.
My circumstance doesn't have to change for the affirmations of God to be true! His word remains the same in every circumstance and trial. Weather I see the healing today or in the future how I trust and how I move forward in my faith is what leaves on mark here on earth. Its what my kids will remember!
Sometimes our healing doesn't come till our journey home and I have chosen to rest in the unknowing of when and LIVE it out here on earth till my day to go home is called.

I believe this takes all power away from our accuser and keeps me wrapped in the power of God's mercy and grace.

It's there true rest remains.