Beauty in the Brokenness

I have an addiction! I love broken things!

Some of you know that I take old tossed out furniture and restore it to new life and new beginnings.
There is so much beauty in broken tossed out things in our life. We are so quick to just throw something out because our use for it is no longer evident and determine its broken beyond repair.

What is brokenness, you might ask?

The dictionary describes Brokenness as weakened and infirm.

When I think about my life, my body, my heart, my journey with Christ. Brokenness is like a summary of many parts of this life I have walked. I think I have spent so much time being ashamed of the brokenness rather than looking for the beauty in the brokenness.

I think of the woman in the bible with the Alabaster oil, a very expensive perfume that she poured out on Jesus because he was the only one who ever valued her beyond her brokenness. This act of faith was a depiction of her life. She was pouring out her life before Jesus in the midst of all her brokenness. She was not whole and complete faithful and pure and yet Jesus accepted her gift. He accepted her brokenness. In fact He told everyone that she would be remembered forever for her great act.
 (Matthew 26:7-13)

Sometimes what we have to give God is nothing short of broken but He honors the heart, He honors our small acts of obedience, He honors us even in our brokenness. He sees beauty where we see filth.

The day that I said yes to Jesus, He said Yes to me and together we are in this journey where he is not afraid of my brokenness but yet walks with me and restores me back to His perfect image.

As I think of my current circumstance, where my body is not wanting to be whole and complete. In fact is is weakened and infirm but I have a God that takes brokenness and makes beautiful things from it. Just as the woman who poured out her most valued possession on Jesus, I pour out my most valuable possession, my life.

My prayer has been Lord I am a daughter of the King, whole and balminess before you because of your greatest gift you gave; a broken body that bleed for all the brokenness in the world. Take my offering, my life and use it to bring beauty to the brokenness. Use my brokenness as a testimony of your glory. Take my life and make it count for something.

The Day My Earth Shook

I remember it really well! I had made an appointment with the doctor to follow up on my chronic issue of Migraines that were worsening with time. The doctor sent me for rounds of test and than called me to an appointment where they told me my life was changing. "You have a brain tumor", the doctor said to me. I stared blankly at the floor trying to process the words. The doctor said again "Mrs. Small, the spot is now a growth and is a

Pituitary Brain Tumor."

My Earth Shook!

See I had been treated for a small spot on my brain back when my third child was born and had a minor stroke. At that time they believed it was just a hormonal issue that was caused from medication and complications of my pregnancy. I was fine for 2 years with no issues and no symptoms. Than the migraines came like a wave. The spot was in fact a tumor and it was growing with rapid force. The type of tumor is hormonal based and hereditary. My grandmother had one and her mother had one. They believe that I have had this since a child but didn't have problems till my body went through so many changes in my child bearing years. A flood of information came at me along with different treatment plans and medications etc etc....

For anyone who knows me, I tend to deal with things right as they come. This issue I choose to hide to stay silent and to carry the burden myself. I didn't want to be labeled "sick"; I didn't want people to freak out. I just really went numb. I was afraid of what this meant as a Christian. Who would be a mother to my kids. My husband would be widowed at such a young age. This circumstance really shook me to the core. I have weathered many storms in my walk with Christ and He has strengthened me through each trial and test but this I just honestly froze in fear. 

I know shocking! A Pastor's Wife an active leader in ministry did what she preached to everyone else not to do. I told God that I didn't trust Him with this circumstance and tried to process all by myself.

See what I have realized in this circumstance, is that I had a major crack in my foundation/my belief system. I believed the lie that I must have done something that caused me to be sick. That God must be taken something out on me. 

I choose to buy into all my insecurities rather than rest on the confidence I can go to the bank with in my identity in Christ. 

Sick or not it doesn't change who God says I am! Sick or not it doesn't change what God does for me! Sick or not it doesn't change the DNA of who God says He is!

So this week I went public with what has been going on. For some of you its not a big deal but for me it was a way to break the silence and repair the cracks in my foundation/my belief system. By telling my story I hope you find inspiration in your circumstances that drives you to a deeper place with God. I know I need that in my life and if my journey can speak into someone else's life I am happy to share!